Relationships

February 22, 2013

What was that I never understood you say?

Meaningful communication is a fundamental component of relationships that last.

Husbands and wives must maintain verbal interaction, but communication is NOT easy. Anyone who has been married for longer than a year will testify that communication isn’t easy. Men and women just do not think, talk, or share the same way. Husbands and wives can equally acknowledge, “I know you think you understand what you heard me say, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Marital interaction should include:

Talking daily and openly,
Encouragement, compliments, and courtesy,
Disclosure of perspective, judgments, and ideas,
Sharing of feelings, dreams, and fears.

I have laughed at so many examples of men and women not understanding one another. Perhaps a reason I laugh so deeply is that I can relate. I love my wife! Patti and I have been married over 25 years and intend on staying married for life. But, as well as we know one another, neither of us is a mind-reader, and we too often get in semantic arguments over what we meant by spoken words.

Communication specialists point out that when you talk with another person there are actually six messages that can come through.

1. What you mean to say.

2. What you actually say.

3. What the other person hears.

4. What the other person thinks he hears.

5. What the other person says about what you said.

6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (H. Norman Wright, Communication: Key to Your Marriage, 1974, p. 54)

Meaningful communication is hard work and takes time. If a person can overlook the actual words that are said and instead seek to understand the true intent behind the words, profound intimacy flourishes. Ultimately, meaning is in people, not in words. Francis of Assisi prayed, “Lord, grant that I may seek more to understand than to be understood.” Can you seek to understand your mate?

Back in 2002, before she married, my sister Kim emailed me the following “advice” regarding the some of the words that women use. Kim didn’t tell me who originally wrote it. I wonder if Kim passed these humorous instructional definitions to my brother-in-law.

WORDS WOMEN USE

“FINE”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “Fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
“FIVE MINUTES”: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
“NOTHING”: This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine” .
“GO AHEAD (RAISED EYEBROWS)”: This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
“GO AHEAD (NORMAL EYEBROWS)”: This means “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a “Go Ahead (Raised Eyebrow)” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
“LOUD SIGH”: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
“SOFT SIGH”: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sigh” means that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
“THAT’S OKAY”: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with Raised Eyebrows.
“GO AHEAD”: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
“PLEASE, DO”: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
“THANKS A LOT”: This is not necessarily an appreciative recognition. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

“THANKS”: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, “you’re welcome”.

February 14, 2013

The Encouragement of Community

Spending time with God’s family is an important source of encouragement.

Folks at Valley love the Lord and really love people. The relationship and kinship in which I participate encourages me! Sharing life together with the people who make up our local congregation inspires me! I love my Valley Fellowship family!

I also love my home. Time with Patti and my daughters is a blessing. We appreciate holidays with brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles and aunts. Mom had the Simon clan gather in Nashville for Christmas 1993 (four months after the death of my Dad), and visiting the Gaylord Opryland Hotel during the Christmas season became a family tradition. Look at us last year!

Don’t we look happy? We had fun – together. One reason for my joy is that my natural family is made up of people who love the Lord.

Although you can encourage yourself all by yourself (read more in tomorrow’s post), enormous encouragement comes from relationship with Christ’s Body, the church. The writer of Hebrews connects your call to encourage others with a call to meet together. “Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24-25 MSG)

You need encouragement that only comes from a face-to-face, in-the-flesh encounter with another child of God.

Mutual encouragement results from time invested in fellowship, connection, community. Consider Paul’s stated desire to the family of God in Rome: “When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours.” (Romans 1:12 NLT) Paul was certain that time spent with the Roman believers – whom he had yet to meet in person – would generate encouragement. Upon what was this certainty based? At least partially, His experience!

Early in his walk with Christ, Paul received encouragement from a peer relationship with Barnabas whose nickname actually means “son of encouragement” (Acts 4:36).
Paul was a member of the team that hand-delivered a letter from Jerusalem that prompted encouragement in Antioch, “When they read it, they rejoiced because of its encouragement.” (Acts 15:31 HCSB)
In Antioch, Paul witnessed how prophets and church leaders “said much to encourage and strengthen the believers.” (Acts 15:32b NIV)
Paul personally benefited from his relationship with the church family, “Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.” (Philemon 1:7 NIV)

Paul understood the presence of an individual can release encouragement. That is one the big reasons why Paul regularly sent individuals on assignment – to impart encouragement.

“We sent Timothy, who is our brother and co-worker in God’s service in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith.” (1 Thessalonians 3:2 NIV)
“I am sending him to you for this very purpose, that you may know how we are, and that he may encourage you.” (Ephesians 6:22 NIV)
“I am sending him [faithful minister Tychicus] to you for the express purpose that you may know about our circumstances and that he may encourage your hearts.” (Colossians 4:8 NIV)

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 15:5-6 NIV)

As you encourage others, pray for them, and give them insights into God’s Word, you’ll grow in confidence and self–value. You’ll discover that you do have something to give away—you have the Word of God and the Spirit of God resident in you and freely flowing through you to others. The prophet Jeremiah wrote about the children of God that even though they were clay pots, they were as valuable as fine gold (see Lam. 4:2). You, too, are a vessel that God desires to use. He is seeking continually to pour Himself through you to others. Open your mouth and your heart, and begin to encourage people the Lord sends your way. (Charles Stanley, The Source of My Strength, 1994)

February 13, 2013

7 Ways to Wrap the Gift of Encouragement

“The right word at the right time—beautiful!” (Proverbs 15:23b MSG) The gift of encouragement is a beautiful thing.

A pastor was once asked to give an impromptu message to elementary students. The pastor selected and read: “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.”(Ephesians 4:29 GNT)

Then he asked the children, “How can we make our words help others?”

Several kids shouted out suggestions: “Tell the truth! Say nice things. Laugh! Don’t say, ‘stupid’! Don’t lie. Say, ‘I’m sorry’. Give compliments. Smile when you talk. Say, ‘I love you’!”

Pointing to a little girl waving her hand high in the air, the pastor asked, “How do you think we can make our words good for other people?”

Her thoughtfully articulated answer surprised the pastor, “Our words should be wrapped like pretty birthday presents with ribbons and bows.”

I have been the recipient of such gifts of encouragement. Over the last twenty-five years, Elmer and Reba Hollingsworth encouraged me – with words, gifts, compliments, prayer, and love – far beyond my ability to count. Moments after Brother Elmer departed this earth to join his wife in heaven, I was talking with his daughter. Gail spoke of the praise he directed toward me. She repeated a phrase that I had heard Brother Elmer say to me many times: “You are one of the good ones!” His words were a gift to me.

I hope God adds more people like him into my life – people who understand the power of encouragement and who make their words a beautiful present.

“An encouraging word cheers a person up.” (Proverbs 12:25b NLT)

There are so many ways to encourage the people around you and God’s Word offers plenty of practical advice for how to give encouragement. Experiment with these seven ways to wrap exquisitely the gift of encouragement.

#1 Do it today; don’t wait for tomorrow.

The right time to give encouragement is NOW! We are to “encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called ‘Today.’” (Hebrews 3:13a NASB) “Encourage each other every day while you have the opportunity. If you do this, none of you will be deceived by sin and become stubborn.” (Hebrews 3:13 GW)

#2 Practice loving accountability.

Spur one another NOT to sin. “If you do this [encouragement], none of you will be deceived by sin and become stubborn.” (Hebrews 3:13b GW) “Say these things, and encourage and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you.” (Titus 2:15 HCSB)

#3 Be sensitive to those around you.

“Encourage anyone who feels left out, help all who are weak, and be patient with everyone.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14b CEV)

#4 Be honest about what is going on in your own life.

Paul’s didn’t hide his imprisonment but used it as a public platform. “Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.” (Philippians 1:14 NIV84)

#5 Exercise your spiritual gifting.

“If it is to encourage, then give encouragement!” (Romans 12:8a NIV)

#6 Show appreciation for people who minister or serve well.

The enemy loves to discourage God’s servants, especially after success or victory. Learn from Hezekiah’s example: “Hezekiah spoke encouragingly to all the Levites who showed good insight in the things of the Lord.” (2 Chronicles 30:22a NASB)

#7 Connect suggestions with unconditional love.

Wise parents know great patience is required in order for children to perceive and to receive advice. The old adage is right, “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” Paul modeled this type of compassion, “We were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children, so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory.” (1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 NASB)

For another message spurred by Elmer Hollingsworth, check out 5 Principles from Jesus’ Prayer Life.

February 13, 2013

Heaven is real – I know folks there

My dear friend Brother Elmer T. entered heaven tonight. He has gone to be with his Savior, his wife, and so many others. I saw him earlier today, said goodbye, but I miss him already. He is breathing deeply in heaven’s atmosphere, but I miss him on earth. I struggle, unable to find the appropriate words to communicate my sadness, my hope. I know where he is. I miss him.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” (Psalm 116:15 NIV84)

January 25, 2013

“THE CLAW!” I Have Been Chosen

“I have been chosen!” The three-eyed green aliens in Toy Story wanted so badly to be chosen. If you saw Toy Story, you certainly remember The Claw! Our family enjoyed all of the Toy Story franchise. We laughed and cheered the dramatic rescue by The Claw and the aliens in Toy Story 3.

“To be chosen” is a great feeling. Do you remember how you felt as an elementary student when you were picked as teams were divided? Do you recall the sensation of knowing someone liked you as a teenager? How about the excitement of being picked for that first real job? All of those events evaporate in the significance of being chosen by God.

We have been chosen – chosen to be adopted by God, chosen to be co-laborers with God, chosen to be blessed by God, chosen to declare His praise and give Him glory.

God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. (Colossians 3:12a CEV)
But you are a chosen people. (1 Peter 2:9a NIV)
We know, dear brothers and sisters, that God loves you and has chosen you to be his own people. (1 Thessalonians 1:4 NLT)
But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. (John 1:12 NLT)
God also decided ahead of time to choose us through Christ according to his plan, which makes everything work the way he intends. He planned all of this so that we who had already focused our hope on Christ would praise him and give him glory. (Ephesians 1:11-12 GWT)

A scene near the end of the original Toy Story shows crestfallen Buzz Lightyear pessimistically confessing, “I’m just a toy. A stupid little insignificant toy.”

Woody earnestly disagrees, “Whoa, hey, wait a minute. Being a toy is a lot better than being a Space Ranger.” Buzz sardonically challenges him, but Woody continues, “No, it is. Look, over in that house is a kid who thinks you are the greatest, and it’s not because you’re a Space Ranger, pal, it’s because you’re a toy! You are his toy.”

We have been chosen! Not by fat or by chance or by The Claw, but we were chosen by God. We are much more than just a toy to our Heavenly Father. We enjoyed the full benefits of adoption into heaven’s family. That makes us special. We are His!

January 3, 2013

5 Reasons to Give Like God Gives

We act like our loving Heavenly Father when we give. In fact, that is exactly what He wants. As we begin to understand the generous heart of Heavenly Father and His character develops within us, we are motivated to generosity. The Apostle Peter encourages, “You are royal priest, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God (1 Peter 2:9 NLT).” We, like our Heavenly Father, should have a generous heart. Consider these five reasons to give like God.

#1 – God gave His Son.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV

#2 – God graciously and freely gives.

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32 NIV

“Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light.” James 1:17 MSG

#3 – God’s goodness and kindness is attractive.

“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4 NLT

#4 – God gives to everyone – even folks who don’t deserve anything.

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up. You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” Matthew 5:43-48 MSG

#5 – God gently invites His kids to imitate Him.

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love.” Ephesians 5:1 MSG

Give like God and discover JOY! “You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”(Acts 20:35 NLT) Are you ready to give of yourself to the world around you?

Jim Grassi (Wading Through the Chaos: Seeking God’s Perspective on Life’s Journey (Hayden, ID: Men’s Ministry Catalyst, 2010), p. 121-122.) shares a heart-touching story illustrating the joy we receive when we act like our Father and show others His goodness.

I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces. I noticed a nicely dressed little girl enthusiastically browsing—a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand. Whenever she spied a Barbie she liked, she’d turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it. He usually said “yes”, but she kept looking, repeating the ritual over and over, searching for the perfect treasure.

A little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokémon toys. He was dressed neatly, but wore a jacket that looked to be a couple of sizes too small and well worn. He, too, had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so. He and his father had a similar ritual, his father faintly shaking his head as the young lad touched various video games and searched his father’s eyes.

The little girl chose a beautifully dressed, glamorous doll—sure to be the envy of every little girl on the block. She suddenly stopped, watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. The boy reluctantly gave up on the video games and chose a book of stickers instead. He and his father started walking through another aisle and disappeared. The little girl paused, smiled and put her Barbie back on the shelf. She spoke with her father and dashed over to the Pokémon games, picking up one lying on top and raced toward the registers. I picked out my own purchases and got in line behind them. Then, much to the little girl’s obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me. After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled, putting the package under the counter.

I paid for my purchases and lingered, watching the little boy come up to the cashier. She rang up his purchases and then exclaimed, “Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!” With that, she handed the little boy the Pokémon game. He stared in disbelief—just what he’d wanted.

The little girl and her father were standing at the doorway watching. I saw the biggest, prettiest grin on that little girl that I’ve ever seen in my life. As she walked out the door, I followed close enough behind to hear her talk to her father. Amazed and delighted at what I’d just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I’ll never forget what she said to him. “Nana and Paw Paw wanted me to buy something that would make me happy … and I just did.” Then she giggled and skipped off toward their car … and I smiled deep inside.

December 31, 2012

New Year – New You?

Family traditions are a GOOD thing. One Simon family tradition is the taking of communion before the meal of Thanksgiving or Christmas or just-about-any-holiday. We take time to remember the broken body and precious blood of our Savior. For New Year’s, we take it up a notch – sparkling grape juice and blessing one another as we anticipate God’s blessing.

Patti, Rozy, Kimberlyn and I will stay awake long enough to watch the Times Square ball drop as 2013 dawns in New York. My daughter Rozy is particularly fascinated by the celebration. Someday we might have to visit New York to witness the show, but tonight we will settle for television views. We’ll say “Happy New Year!” to one another, and – bet on it – I WILL kiss my beautiful wife. As a family, we’ll also pray, expecting God to do awesome things in 2013.

Tonight, millions of people will cheer “Happy New Year!” Will you be one of them? Are you expecting something good in the new year? If so, what choices are you making?

“For us a new year symbolizes new opportunities, new hopes, and new dreams.

And yet, the stroke of the hour simply has marked the dawning of another day. Whether the year really will be new lies within each person. If, when the shouting is over, we fall back into the same old rut of sin and rebellion against God, then nothing has changed. No, years become new only if we make them so.” Howard Hendricks, My Favorite Illustrations

Choices impact our lives. Choices create circumstances and change circumstances. Make sure the choices you make land you with the consequences you want. Like it or not, we get what we sow (Galatians 6:9). It is better to look ahead and prepare for a harvest than to look back and regret the weeds.

Before her death, Grandma Geerhart (Patti’s mother’s mom) gave Patti and I advice she thought would help us as spiritual leaders. In the midst of that wisdom was a list of choices that could keep a person looking ahead:

Every day say something to God.
Every day let God say something to you.
Every day say something for God.
Every day do something for God.

What choices will you make to really make this a new year?