Every marriage has squabbles. The convergence of two lives into one marriage always includes some clashes and sparks. Anyone who claims to have NEVER had a disagreement with their spouse is an amnesiac, a liar, or has a really weird definition for the word “disagreement”.
I’ve heard a story about a husband and wife in northern Idaho who made it a point not to argue over anything not worth arguing about. Apparently, this led to some dandy fights over whether or not a subject was worthwhile. Other couples are so incompatible they cannot even agree upon what to quarrel. Why fight? In almost all cases, an argument only proves that two people are present.
Patti and I have had plenty of disagreements – more than a few arguments. We have been faithfully married for over 25 years, but all marriages have moments of discord. Honestly, most of our disagreements boil down to selfishness on the part of one of us – okay – usually me! “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (
James 4:1 NIV) Yes, selfish pride is the root for discord.
I am too frequently guilty of cutting Patti off, raising my volume level, pressing for my own way, or just being plain ornery. Our disagreements DO NOT include cursing or throwing things or attacking one another physically, but we certainly have experienced the impact of differing viewpoints. (I want to emphasize – physical violence has NO place in marriage!) We disagree, but we try to disagree agreeably. That isn’t always easy.
Good communication is the key. As I try to understand Patti’s opinion instead of demanding her to acknowledge my own, I unlock the gate for deep communication and healthy relationship. Every married man or woman must make allowances for differences. “Accept life with humility and patience, making allowances for each other because you love each other. Make it your aim to be at one in the Spirit, and you will inevitably be at peace with one another.” (Ephesians 4:2-3 PHILLIPS)
A counselor at Fairhaven Ministries in Tennessee views genuine appreciation for your spouse’s feelings as a key objective for handling conflict. Ed Smelser advocates:
People don’t have to agree, if only they understand the other person’s position. I want to work with a couple until each develops a genuine appreciation for the other person’s position—regardless of whether he or she agrees with it. One woman said to me about her husband, “We still don’t agree, but I feel so much better just knowing he fully understands my opinion and is taking it into consideration.” (James D. Berkley, Called into Crisis, p. 50)
Two important principles would stop most disputes – don’t bicker over semantics and don’t squabble over inconsequentialities.
#1 DON’T BICKER OVER SEMANTICS!
I could thwart most quarrels if I would make sure Patti and I are NOT bickering over terms (words, semantics) rather than facts. Ultimately, meaning is in people – NOT in words. If I am really seeking to understand what Patti is communicating, I won’t be picking a fight over words. I wish I could remember this principle all the time!
Unfortunately, at times I seem to enjoy skirmishing over the meaning of a word. Why? Selfishness is still something with which I am still conquering. I know God’s Word specially commands “A servant of the Lord must not quarrel” (2 Timothy 2:24 NLT), yet I still allow my argumentative self to show its ugly head.
Why do I insist upon stirring the pot? “Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin.” (Proverbs 17:19 NLT) Ouch! I repeatedly declare my desire to love God and people, hate sin, and win, amen! Lord, please help me live out this principle!
#2 DON’T SQUABBLE OVER INCONSEQUENTIALITIES!
I need to examine if the difference of opinion is worth quarreling or disputing. Why should I insist upon continuing a disagreement? Is this matter really worth the effort?
Does it really matter to which restaurant we are headed? Do I really care about the volume of the radio, or the show on the television screen, or if this is the shortest way to our destination?
- “Starting to argue is like making a crack in a dam. So drop the matter before a fight breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14 NIRV)
- “It is honorable to back off from a fight, but fools jump right in.” (Proverbs 20:3 CEB)
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One final thought as I close today: “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.” (James 1:19 MSG)
