Christ-follower, Husband, Dad, Pastor

communication

September 29, 2014

PHONE HOME

Since August of this year, Patti and I are learning to live in an empty nest. While thankful our youngest daughter Kimberlyn began her time at Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Patti shed quite a few tears as we drove back to Alabama. Okay, my eyes were wetter than normal.

I miss Kimberlyn. I miss her presence in our house. I miss her smiling/frowning face every morning. I particularly miss the sound of Kimmie’s voice, guitar, and piano filling our living room.

Before we left Kimberlyn in Tulsa, Patti reminded Kimberlyn to phone home – EVERY day. In fact, Patti gave Kimberlyn a small sign for her dorm room. The message? Call Your Mom!

Patti and I really do enjoy when our daughters phone home. I love them and I want to regularly chat with my daughters. Even when there is no good or bad news, we like hearing from our girls. Patti and I are bothered if we skip a day talking to our daughters. Neither girl called us on Saturday (last weekend); I know my girls were busy but I wasn’t too happy about it. I think Patti was a little mad.

Heavenly Father awaits your call, as surely as Patti anticipates Kimberlyn’s phone call. “And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you . . .” (Isaiah 30:18a AMP) Your Heavenly Father wants you to phone home. No, you don’t need to grab your smart phone, but you do need to open your heart and communicate with Heavenly Father. Pray daily, frequently, continually. God is waiting to hear from you.

When Kimberlyn or Rozy are out of the country on a mission trip, I will organize by schedule and change my evening plans in order to be available for a phone call. A few summers ago, Rozy joined a mission team in Togo, West Africa. Rozy was out-of-connection for most of the time she was gone. Guess what? I was unhappy for several weeks. Every day, I hoped that she would phone home.

No matter what time of the day or night, a call from my child is appreciated and welcomed. Your call through prayer or worship is never an unwanted interruption for Heavenly Father. He awaits and welcomes your call. He enjoys communicating with you. He enjoys your presence. Heavenly Father truly cares for you.

Give attention to God’s Word: “He will CALL ON ME, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him My salvation.”(Psalm 91:14–16 NIV)

Have you called home today? It’s time. Phone home.

September 5, 2013

First Generation to . . .

I just received an interesting email from Tim Elmore, author and president of Growing Leaders (You can find out more about the company from their website growingleaders.com). I thought Elmore’s comments fit well with what Dr. Chris Royael shared on Growing Champions (last night at Valley Fellowship). Dr. Elmore has written a lot about the new generation of young adults. Here is the heart of email I got today, September 5, 2013 from Tim Elmore.

Your high school or college students are among a generation who’s the first to experience a number of realities. In fact, because they’re initiating these realities, they may present a challenge to your parents and teachers. Adults are grappling with how to raise this population of kids who grew up on-line, with a screen in their hands. The pixels and format of those screens have re-wired their brains: they think differently, react differently, communicate differently, and process information differently than adults. Some call them “screenagers.” Consider the following “firsts” they represent.

This is the First Generation of Youth Who:

1. Doesn’t need adults to get information.
Consider how this difference changes the role of an adult. Because information is everywhere, we are no longer brokers of data. They don’t need us for information, but for interpretation. We must help them make sense of all they know. Our job isn’t to enable them to access data, but to process data and form good decisions.

2. Can broadcast their every thought or emotion to those who follow them.
You see this every week. Thanks to Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, your kids can send messages to huge populations who matter. They are the new PR for your youth department or your school. Some posts actually get famous…good or bad. Most have not been equipped to harness the megaphone in their hands.

3. Has external stimuli at their fingertips 24/7.
Because a portable device is in their hand, they receive outside stimulation any time they’re bored. Many don’t think well on their own. This outside entertainment may have reduced their internal motivation. They’ve never had to motivate themselves. They depend on a screen to push them. We must equip them to find it within.

4. Is socially connected at all times, but often connects in isolation.
This is the most connected generation in history—but perhaps the one who’s experienced the least community. They’re rarely disconnected, but are lonely and often connect virtually, in isolation, on a screen. Their empathy, soft skills and emotional intelligence are lower because of it. They’ll need those skills for life.
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5. Will learn more from a portable device than from a classroom.
This one is a game changer. The portable device they hold in their hand is now the compass that guides them, not their teachers. They’ll consume more data on this device than through any other means. It may be inaccurate or damaging, but it’s available and they are digesting it. They’ll need us to help them navigate this tool.

6. Adults have enabled to be narcissistic instead of valuing a team.
Adults have told them they’re special, gifted and smart. This affirmation was intended to build self-esteem. Sadly, instead of helping their self-esteem, as a whole, it’s produced a high level of narcissism. They’re into themselves not the whole. You may be needed to furnish them with bigger picture perspective.

7. Uses a phone instead of a wristwatch, camera, wall calendar or board game.
Students no longer manage their lives the way we did growing up. Their phone tells time, provides entertainment, takes pictures, gives directions, connects with friends and broadcasts their messages. Designed to make life simpler, this non-stop information center has made them the most stressed out generation to date.

8. Scores lower on global comparisons, but believe they’re “awesome.”
This may be the most notable “first.” American kids continue to score lower on standardized tests than their peers around the world. Despite this fact, the one category they keep scoring highest in is: self-confidence. They’ve been empowered to believe they’re awesome, but not equipped by adults to enter adulthood.

Our Job…
Despite the unintended consequences to this world of “firsts” I continue to believe in the potential of this emerging generation. I pray they truly will transform the world. They can be role models for younger kids—but they will require direction and equipping that earlier young adults may not have needed. They need conversations about how to navigate an overwhelming world of information, and they need help to see they are only part of a much bigger world than themselves. Are you ready to expand your definition of “teacher” or “leader”?

What does this say to us that want to reach this generation for Christ? I encourage you to reread Dr. Elmore’s last paragraph.  Are you ready to be a role model for Christ?

May 13, 2013

Stop Nitpicking; Start Overlooking

My Grandma Martin told me the story of a woman longingly reminiscing the days before her wedding. “Before we were married you called me an angel,” the wife complained. “And now you don’t call me anything!”

Her husband fist-bumped his chest and said, “You ought to be glad I possess such self-control.”

I think my Dad’s greatest premarital tip was: “Go into marriage eyes wide open, half shut afterward.” Get all the facts before you get married. Make sure you know all you can about the person you are considering marrying. There will be plenty that you need to overlook after the ceremony.

In fact, some of the very things you think are cute before marriage, become irritating over the years.

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Colossians 3:13 NLT)

“Put up with each other” (Colossians 3:13a CEV & GW)

You will destroy your marriage if you cannot learn to “put up with each other”. It sounds easy enough, but the walking out of it is harder than a two-year-old biscuit. Arguing over ever little issue erodes the foundation of martial life. Always pointing out the thing you don’t like, kills love.

I regularly have to remind myself of this. My wife is an excellent cook and I enjoy eating whatever she makes, but I have never liked the name she picked for one particular dish – “Mexican Goulash”. For some reason, that name doesn’t seem appetizing.  Let me reiterate, I like Patti’s cooking! But, please, can we please call this dish by a new name. How about “Texas Stir-fry” or “Chili on a bed of rice and lettuce” or something else.

Okay, please drop those stones you are gathering to throw, I do appreciate my wife’s cooking. For whatever reason, I don’t like the name; don’t call it “Mexican Goulash”. After more than twenty-five years of marriage, you would probably think I would be “over” this already, but Patti rarely calls the dish by any other name. I think her mother coined the term. (Mema, what were you thinking?!?) About five years ago, Patti adopted “Texas Stir-Fry” for a few months, but when I keep complaining about the old name – she went back to the original.

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Honestly, does the name really matter? No, I tell myself. So why then, do I find myself still nitpicking about the name of that dish? Why haven’t I let it go? Apparently, I haven’t yet learned the lesson I am trying to communicate to you today. But, I am acknowledging that I have a problem. Nitpicking, nagging over trivial details, kills love. I have got to start overlooking!

“One word can start a war.”  (Jewish Proverb)

“Quarrels are the weapons of the weak.” (Jewish Proverb)

A pastor in Texas introduced a sermon with an excellent story of how one woman handled the irritations of marriage:

There was once a couple who had been married for 60 years. Throughout their life they had shared everything. They loved each other deeply. They had not kept any secrets from one another, except for a small shoebox that the wife kept in the top shelf of her closet. When they got married, she put the box there and asked her husband never to look inside of it and never to ask questions about its contents.

For 60 years the man honored his wife’s request. In fact, he forgot about the box until a day when his wife grew gravely ill, and the doctors were sure she had no way of recovering. So the man, putting his wife’s affairs into order, remembered that box in the top of her closet, got it down, and brought it to her at the hospital. He asked her if perhaps now they might be able to open it. She agreed. They opened the box, and inside were two crocheted dolls and a roll of money that totaled $95,000. The man was astonished.

The woman told her husband that the day before they were married, her grandmother told her that if she and her husband were ever to get into an argument with one another, they should work hard to reconcile, and if they were unable to reconcile, she should simply keep her mouth shut and crochet a doll.

The man was touched by this, because there were only two crocheted dolls in the box. He was amazed that over 60 years of marriage, they apparently had had only two conversations that they were unable to reconcile. Tears came to his eyes, and he grew even more deeply in love with this woman. Then he asked about the roll of money. “What’s with this?” he asked.

His wife said, “Well, every time I crocheted a doll, I sold it to a local craft fair for five dollars.” (David Daniels, from sermon titled “Meditation”)

Stop nitpicking; start overlooking.

April 7, 2013

Get Over Yourself & Love Like Jesus Loves

Sometimes the best way to avoid quarreling with your wife is to let her go her way and you go HERS. Okay, I am teasing a bit, but there is a measure of truth in that statement. Happy days ensue when husbands and wives don’t insist upon their own way every time.

When you are alone, you may consider only yourself, but marriage is more than one person. The man and woman may unite to become one in marriage, but two distinct personalities are still there.

Healthy compromises are part of healthy marriages. Giving up some individual gain for the gain of the relationship yields tremendous dividends. There is truth in the title of the old Rolling Stones’ hit, “You can’t always get what you want!” With maturity comes understanding sometimes concessions must be made.

Every disagreement doesn’t have to start a world war! Be willing to make some trade-offs or take turns in getting your way. “Flipping a coin can end arguments; it settles disputes between powerful opponents.” (Proverbs 18:18 NLT) Decide today to disagree agreeably.

Problems inevitably result when people pursue self-centered or selfish goals. Battles begin from opposing needs, drives, wishes, or demands.

Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

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Communication problems can usually be traced to a failure to show love, a failure to show respect, or a failure to fulfill the ministry required of a spouse. You are called to minister to your partner.

In discussion of Matthew chapter twelve, commentator Michael Wilkins offers a definition for love that is well-suited for marriage. He writes,“Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person in which we give ourselves to bring the relationship to God’s intended purpose.” (Matthew, p. 463). Married people must love as Jesus loved – expressing love especially to the imperfect person who shares your bed. Disagreements, difficulties, and hurts happen in married relationships, but the command to love like Jesus loves remains.

Wilkins goes on to give practical suggestions for showing love toward even a person that has hurt you. Your marriage will benefit from adopting this one:

Reverse the dynamic of the relationship from taking to giving. When we follow Jesus’ example of ministry, we find that He came to give, not take, as was the Father’s entire purpose in sending His Son (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8). He came not to be served but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for His people (Matt. 20:28; Mark 10:45). Such an attitude of giving should also characterize our closest relationships.

Ask most people why they want to get married, and they will usually describe their reasons in terms of getting: “I will become more fulfilled in marriage”; “I have always wanted to have a husband and children and a home of my own.” These motivations are not necessarily bad, but marriage as God intended it is a relationship of giving ourselves to another for their enrichment. Spouses who are so consumed with having their own needs met by their partner often cannot get their eyes off their own needs long enough to care for another’s needs, and the relationship becomes parasitic. The tug-of-war of needs between people demands that we continually take in order to have our needs met. (Michael J. Wilkins, Matthew, p. 463-464).

“Let us therefore stop turning critical eyes on one another. If we must be critical, let us be critical of our own conduct and see that we do nothing to make a brother stumble or fall.” (Romans 14:13 PHILLIPS) Let’s choose to love like Jesus loves.

April 6, 2013

Wrong? Admit it! Right? Shut Up!

I am trying so hard to learn this lesson – when I’m wrong, admit it; when I’m right, shut up! It will do no good to argue if I’m wrong and if I’m right – I don’t need to argue.

“If you want to stay out of trouble, be careful what you say.”  (Proverbs 21:23 GNT)

Why don’t I just humbly admit “I am I wrong” instead of trying to deflect, defend, or distract? Have you ever tried any of those tactics – deflect, defend, distract? Did you succeed? All that ensues for me is a longer, more heated discussion.

“You can’t whitewash your sins and get by with it; you find mercy by admitting and leaving them.”  (Proverbs 28:13 MSG)

The more my mouth moves, the more likely I am to say something I will regret. I must have my mind engaged before running my mouth.

“There is more hope for a stupid fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.”  (Proverbs 29:20 GNT)

I need to stop talking so much. In an argument the best weapon to hold is my tongue. A wise person suggested, “When you’re arguing with your wife, make absolutely sure you’re right and then let the matter drop!”
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“A person who talks too much gets into trouble. A wise person learns to be quiet.”  (Proverbs 10:19 ERV)

Why is it so difficult to confess, “You are right”? I desire God’s grace to help me receive from wise correction, especially that coming from my spouse. When I honestly face my wife’s critique, I will be a better man because of it. Patti is a smart lady.

“Don’t refuse to accept criticism; get all the help you can.”  (Proverbs 23:12 LIVING)

I don’t like to be criticized – no person does! But, God’s Word forthrightly proclaims that wise people benefit from correction.

“To one who listens, valid criticism is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry.”  (Proverbs 25:12 NLT)

“If you ignore criticism, you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept correction, you will be honored.”  (Proverbs 13:18 NLT)

Today I am meditating these proverbs to get them deep in my heart. Hopefully, I will put them into practice in my marriage . Are you ready to adopt them for life?

February 22, 2013

What was that I never understood you say?

Meaningful communication is a fundamental component of relationships that last.

Husbands and wives must maintain verbal interaction, but communication is NOT easy. Anyone who has been married for longer than a year will testify that communication isn’t easy. Men and women just do not think, talk, or share the same way. Husbands and wives can equally acknowledge, “I know you think you understand what you heard me say, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Marital interaction should include:

  • Talking daily and openly,
  • Encouragement, compliments, and courtesy,
  • Disclosure of perspective, judgments, and ideas,
  • Sharing of feelings, dreams, and fears.

I have laughed at so many examples of men and women not understanding one another. Perhaps a reason I laugh so deeply is that I can relate. I love my wife! Patti and I have been married over 25 years and intend on staying married for life. But, as well as we know one another, neither of us is a mind-reader, and we too often get in semantic arguments over what we meant by spoken words.

Communication specialists point out that when you talk with another person there are actually six messages that can come through.

1. What you mean to say.

2. What you actually say.

3. What the other person hears.

4. What the other person thinks he hears.

5. What the other person says about what you said.

6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (H. Norman Wright, Communication: Key to Your Marriage, 1974, p. 54)

Meaningful communication is hard work and takes time. If a person can overlook the actual words that are said and instead seek to understand the true intent behind the words, profound intimacy flourishes. Ultimately, meaning is in people, not in words. Francis of Assisi prayed, “Lord, grant that I may seek more to understand than to be understood.” Can you seek to understand your mate?

Back in 2002, before she married, my sister Kim emailed me the following “advice” regarding the some of the words that women use. Kim didn’t tell me who originally wrote it. I wonder if Kim passed these humorous instructional definitions to my brother-in-law.

WORDS WOMEN USE

“FINE”: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “Fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
“FIVE MINUTES”: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
“NOTHING”: This means “something”, and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine” .
“GO AHEAD (RAISED EYEBROWS)”: This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
“GO AHEAD (NORMAL EYEBROWS)”: This means “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a “Go Ahead (Raised Eyebrow)” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
“LOUD SIGH”: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
“SOFT SIGH”: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sigh” means that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
“THAT’S OKAY”: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with Raised Eyebrows.
“GO AHEAD”: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
“PLEASE, DO”: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
“THANKS A LOT”: This is not necessarily an appreciative recognition. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

“THANKS”: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, “you’re welcome”.

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